On April 3, 2004, my tranquil world, as I knew it, ended when Jimmy, my 22 year old son, took his life. In shock and guilt we tormented ourselves with questions of why this happened. Why couldn’t he tell someone (me) for help? What warning signs did I miss? Why didn’t I know the difference between depression and temporary unhappiness? We thought he knew that his life held so much promise. A life that belonged not only to him but to us, his family, and friends who loved him was gone.

He was my charming son with big blue eyes and a fetching smile that lit up my life. Jim grew up to become a gentle giant – he never intentionally hurt any one. We adored him. He was handsome, witty, athletic, intelligent and the envy of his peers. He was respectable and treated everyone he met with kindness. He rarely became needlessly annoyed and never attempted suicide before. We saw him infrequently during his college years but if he did not call I would. Of course, now in hindsight, there were actions he exhibited which I chalked up to stress of college and our moving 1,000 miles away from his childhood home. Upon graduating he realized his ambition to work on Wall Street as a trader…I wished I had known that this was possibly the worst job for anyone suffering from depression.

The first six months, I found myself thinking of ways to end my life in the least horrific way for my family. But always in the next instance knowing how my son’s suicide devastated us I came to my senses and was able to see the difference between my depression and my son’s. I knew why I was “suicidal” but Jimmy could not because of undiagnosed/untreated depression. Slowly I learned to accept my grief and let myself feel the pain. Many “happy” occasions are bitter sweet and I struggle to be cheerful for those I love and care for. As a way of honoring Jimmy, my husband’s foundation has raised funds to finance a mental health day beginning at Jimmy’s high school. Raising awareness at this early stage in a teen’s life, we believe, is crucial to understanding that suicide is not a choice but the result of severe mental health problems. Warning signs need to be understood and addressed. Education about mental health and the warning signs of suicide will help lessen the stigma and lead someone to recognize it in themselves and seek help.

Soon after hearing that AFSP’s http://afsp.org Out of the Darkness” walk was to be in NYC we signed up. On the eve of June 9th, 2007, we arrived at the South Street Seaport in lower Manhattan, checked in and waited for the opening ceremony to begin. Looking around I began to notice all the Out of the Darkness tee shirts emblazoned with photos and names/dates of loved ones. It was heartbreaking to see so many people remembering their loved ones.

Our journey started and ended at the South Street Seaport in lower Manhattan. Weaving our way through diners in Soho and Tribecca, we would stop to answer questions of why we were walking. Many New Yorkers knew about the Walk and encouraged us on our way. Around 10:30, feeling drowsy, we stopped at a Starbucks for coffee and the young cashier’s inquiry prompted her to donate money in memory of her brother who had suffered from depression and took his life Nov. 2006.

Walking from sunset to sunrise in the “City that never sleeps”, I reflected not only on my son, but on all the Cyber Friends I’ve come to know. It was my discovery of The Gift of Keith that offered me a beacon of hope. I encountered people who not only understood what I was experiencing but who were genuinely concerned in my recovery from what is certainly one of life’s greatest traumas. It was healing for me to be able to talk about Jimmy and to hear the stories of other bereaved parents. As time went on I went from being a bereaved parent seeking solace to wanting to help newly bereaved parents.

I do believe the AFSP’s walks throughout the country help make a powerful statement that suicide should not be ignored. The stigma of mental health problems leads to silence and contributes to suicide. Today there are many people sympathetic to depression in others but the stigma continues and until it happens to us or someone close to us we are indifferent.

I have been blessed with a strong Christian faith, an incredible family and loving friends who continue to reach out to us in many ways. We will never get over losing Jimmy but with God’s help and all this love surrounding us we are learning to survive. Jimmy will live in our hearts, minds and prayers for the rest of our lives.
Ann Ganley
June, 2007