What Does It Mean?

Why do we say
committed suicide?
I mean, why not say she committed love
or he committed laughter?
Words uttered from mouths removed
having never tasted it
wreck a curious kind of havoc
in the heart of many survivors.

And the breach that causes such offense
along with the need to stigmatize
is it not more insult to our vanity,
more reminder of our frailty
than offense to humanity?

To die of affliction
like any ailing body
tattered, torn, on the brink
beyond finding any link
so wracked with pain
no option remains but we
in horror that life could so test
and terrified of who might be next
shrink away, heaping judgments
on all who’ve left
crossing a border, taboo.

And I ask you
when does one commit the act?
Just how do we read the walking dead
turning away from the fullness of longing
that signifies a life?
And how to view the random stuffing,
heady diversions, walls
we build around our hearts,
these various numbings we engage
hoping to soften the edge of pain
that is the human condition.

Kristen Spexarth © 2003

It has been a journey of discovery for me, these eight years since my son Colby’s death by suicide.  Part of this journey is documented in my book, Passing Reflections, a collection of poems in journal form written during the first nine months after he died.  The book also contains Colby’s writing as he struggled with severe and unremitting physical pain.  More about this book can be found at www.passingreflections.com , and the book will soon be available on-line at www.cafepress.com/spexarth . 

It is my intention to reach out to people suffering loss, as well as to those who would serve them.  Too often in the aftermath of loss, especially suicide, other’s attempts to be helpful are actually hurtful.  By sharing my experience I hope those who grieve will feel less alone.  And hopefully, my sharing will assist those who don’t know how to help—giving them a vehicle for gaining an understanding of what it is to grieve traumatic loss. 

My poem, What Does It Mean?, was written three years after Colby died.  Weary from hearing the phrase ‘committed suicide’ with all its implied judgment I wanted desperately to help people realize the pain they inflict on many survivors when it is uttered.  Some seem unaware of the power of their casually spoken remarks and so, it is my aspiration that we all awaken to greater understanding and thereby, compassion. 

May it be of benefit.

kristen spexarth
August 18, 2008
Seattle