I think of Keith and can hear him say, "Lord, I cannot succeed, please forgive me
because I can't see far enough into the future to see that I can get through this."

Then God reached out his arms and caught him.

Keith, I love you so much!!

Every day I miss you more. You were my first born and all I can do is look back at the wonderful times I had being your Mother.

I can remember when you were a baby still in your crib and every morning around 3 or 4 you would wake up and be ready to start your day. You were so happy to be awake, ready to start the new day. But I was so tired and would go into your room and talk to you. But with your big smile how could I resist your excitement of a new day. So I would take you downstairs and we would play. The only problem was it became a habit and hard to break. The doctor told me I would have to let you cry to break the pattern. I laid in bed with Dad and cried with you. Soon the pattern was broken but I am not really sure who won.

I can remember your love for Grandma Ilijanich, my mom, and how she loved you! I remember at her funeral service you kneeling by her coffin talking to her. You were such a wonderful grandson to Grandpa Ilijanich, always calling him when he was so sick. Then standing at his Funeral Mass and giving his eulogy, I was so proud of the young man you became!! I can still remember you saying, not long ago, that you were so lucky to have two sets of wonderful Grandparents!! But they were so blessed to have you as their Grandson.

One of the things I learned through your short but meaningful life was your love for your family and friends. I never ever heard one cruel thing about your friends or family. You were always so understanding. I hope that through your life I can begin to live my life in that same way...I guess sometimes I forget and start to judge people's actions without understanding what led them to that action. I promise you that is something I will work on.

I now look at the world in a different way. I see through a different set of eyes. I take more time to look at nature and really listen to what people say. My life will never be the same because you are no longer with me. I would do anything to have you back again but since I can't, I will continue to bless the time I had with you and cherish your memories.

The pressures of your job were overwhelming to you and I will someday have closure. But I will continue to open every door until I understand the pain you were experiencing. I wish I could have somehow been able to see that pain, but I didn't. My Son, Keith, I will try to go on with you looking over my shoulder. I know you are in God's hands. Stay close in my heart. Until someday me meet again, I send you my love now and forever.

Love always, Your Mom

Dear Keith,

I went into your apartment for the first time on April 14. I apologize for not visiting you after your move to Minneapolis. I think my priorities were wrong...sorry.

As a consultant, I start through this by thinking about phase #1. For me, phase #1 is driving my car listening to the CD "Surfacing" and starting with track #2. For anyone who has lost someone, this is a good place to start. I cry a lot. It is supposed to be good for me.

How will I know when this phase is over? When I get sad, I say a prayer and think about all the wonderful memories. You would like that.

You were a beautiful person on earth. You touched so many lives in such positive ways. Letters are pouring in from people I have never met. They help me know you better.

The good memories are plentiful. Your hockey team when you were six years old. Hockey practice at 6 a.m. at North Park, geese flying overhead in the sunrise.

You, Cindy, and Carrie on the beach; our favorite family vacations! You, as a young adult, making the UCLA crew team. And me, making the crew team coaches upset by showing up after practice with a trunkload of orange juice and doughnuts.

And our father-son salmon fishing adventure at the Iguigig Lodge. I remember sitting by the float plane, admiring your spirit as you waded far out into the river, pursuing your dream.

For a rookie fly-fisherman, I did catch some decent salmon, right? And I remember, at the end of the week, I suggested that we do this again. Your reply was "Sure, but you need to work on your fly-fishing technique."

I might just do that, Keith!

I miss you terribly, but I have so many wonderful memories!

Love,
Dad

Dad's Page 2005

Dearest Keithers,

I love you. I have now graduated, and I am about to begin another phase of my life. No, I will not be scared of all the changes I am about to face. I will take all of the courage that you have given me and use it to achieve what I want in life.

I could always turn to you Keith. You always thought of me as your "little sister" who would always remain ten years old in your eyes. You would even be scared to get in the passenger seat of a car if I was driving (yet I was 21 years old)! I remember flying to see you in Chicago and my flight number had changed. Because you didn't have my new flight information you went up to the ticket counter and said "I know you aren't allowed to give out flight information but Carrie is my little sister." I love you for always watching out for me...your little sister.

When I was lazy, just lounging in bed, you would always persuade me to rollerblade while you ran besides me. "Come on Carrie, there is no time here to be lazy!" is what you would say to me. I have never met someone who has had a stronger influence on my life. You have encouraged me, and given me the push to be the best I can be. I love you.

Even though I cannot see your face when I talk to you - I know you are still there listening to me and watching my every move. If I ever need to have a long talk with you, I go to the nearest jogging path and find a bench. You are there. There is part of you Keith in every animal, flower and blade of grass that surrounds me. Since you and I have had our best conversations while exercising, I choose to continue this tradition. I love you, and know you are still always willing to listen.

I am a better person because of you Keith. I will always treasure the countless memories I have of you, and will share them with everyone who is a part of my life. I love you, and I will talk to you soon.

Love,
Your Little Sister ~~ Carrie

8/27/05

My big brother, the one who will always influence me throughout my life....

As I am approaching a new stage of my life, marriage, I feel Keith's presence more than ever. Keith has been watching over me through all my life changes such as graduating college, starting a new job, buying a condo, but now he is more strongly than ever with me through my preparation for marriage.

This recognition of Keith in my life is apparent, but differs based on which situation I am in at the time. I know he has, and will continue to help my wedding planning to be smooth (he has always taught me to not sweat the small stuff). At one point, while talking to our wedding DJ, I noticed an expression from him that instantly calmed me and reminded me of Keith; I knew I was making the right decision. At my religious preparation class, I noticed the joyous, easygoing and energetic personality of the priest, and this energy around the priest confirmed Keith's presence. I know these points will not make a lot of sense to whomever is reading this, but to me something about these specific times made me realize how Keith is right in front of me. I know that he is encouraging me to stay calm and to not worry so much about these decisions; the right decision will just come to me.

I notice a lot of Keith in my fiancé, Mark. Mark's ease of putting light into any tough situation reminds me of how Keith would talk to me. Mark also teaches me not to take life so seriously and I swear Keith is passing this information on to Mark so that someday I will learn! Keith is definitely guiding Mark on how to help me grow!

I know that my wedding will be one that Keith will enjoy. I say that he "will" enjoy it because without a doubt he will be there with me, dancing with the rest of the family, and smiling from ear to ear. This wedding will be one that Keith will be proud of.... classy yet comfortable, large yet not overwhelming... and most importantly... combining our family in friends in one place to share in our joining together as husband and wife.

I miss you Keith, but I am so happy that you are present in my life in so many ways. I can feel you around me, and I know you will always be with me through whatever journey life leads me (or the life you help in guiding me).

Keith's little Sister, Carrie

Dear Keith,

In your life you showed us how to live a full, happy, successful life. In your life you taught us to be strong, to be adventuresome, to be independent, to be ambitious, and to inspire others. But through your death you told us to reach out to others and to ask for help when we need it. To be compassionate, to value our family and our friends, and to try to understand god.

I love you Keith, and I miss you every hour of every day. I'll always remember you in my life and through my work. Have fun in your new world, but keep your thoughts with us as we struggle through this one.

Love, Cindy